Like an old shoe

I thought we were immune, what with seven weeks of swine flu season behind us.

But Sunday afternoon Ruthie-5 said she didn't feel good, and by late evening she had a soaring fever. The pitiful thing. Well, pitiful ("My little head hurts!") when it it's time for another dose of Children's Advil. When under the influence of that miracle elixir, she races around the house acting like she's had a little too much sugar. Oh, to be five again.

It's been a blissful week (for me, anyway). I'm sure they missed me at work (where I spend my days sending sick kids like Ruthie home from school!).

I fell back into the old stay-home routine more easily than slipping on an old shoe, the kind you don't even have to untie first to put on. It rained a bad-hair-misty, soaking rain, so it wasn't like I would have gone out, even if I hadn't had a feverish child.

Ruthie and I watched the Hannah Montana movie. I got some laundry folded. Hung some curtains for the girls (that I bought about six months ago - why do I put off jobs that take 15 minutes??). Ruthie lost a tooth (we've only waited three years for this one (here's where she lost the other front tooth).I organized my shoes. I got to take Neal-14 to school, and pick up Libby-11 in carpool (they've been Allie-16's passengers this year). Who would have thought I'd miss car pool?

(If I had known I would be home with her for three days, I would have painted the bathroom cabinets, but I suppose that will have to wait....hopefully not until the next kid gets sick!)

Anyway, hard as this whole working thing has been, I have to say I love what's happening in our family. We appreciate each other more. We are working together more.

And I don't take days stuck at home with sick kids for granted.

Where, oh, where have you been?

Well, I suppose I should write a post.

I decided to stay home from The Social Event of The Week Friday Night Football Game here in Small Town and act like I am the mother of small children, since I've drug them to the Big Kids' events just about every other night this week. It has gotten to the point that I run a "wakeup bath" every morning for Ruthie-5 to drag entice her bones out of bed. Only two weeks left of volleyball and football, unless of course we go to the playoffs (Softball tends to go on forever, but soccer fortunately for us has mostly been rained out). Big deep breath.

So I fed Libby-11 and two of her friends some mac and cheese and hot dogs and sent them to The Game with Dennis. The other two Big Kids are already there, courtesy of Allie-16's license. Did I mention I love having another driver in the house?

So the Little Girls (5 & 8) are here with me. I promised them earlier in the week that they could have a friend over. They are watching The Little Rascals in between pretending they are horses, galloping all over the house, playing the same songs over and over on the piano, eating popcorn, and otherwise being silly. There is way too much screaming going on as they try to lasso each other. I love it.

It's a good way to end the first six weeks of school. For all of us.

I do hope to get back to blogging regularly at some point. Right now, to be honest, I don't know where to begin. I have lots of mixed feelings about life right now (really enjoying the job, liking the part that makes me feel competent and needed - all that professional stuff I haven't been a part of for the better part of a decade - and SO proud of my family for pitching in and making it work - while at the same fighting fatigue, missing my "old" life, and wishing for a day to sleep in!!). I sit at the computer and can't think of a thing to say that's remotely coherent.

I guess the main thing is that we are hanging in there. I'd like to say it is getting easier, but I think that might be a stretch. Maybe I'm learning to accept that it can be good - and there can even be joy - as Elisabeth Elliot says, in "simply doing the task given us to do."

Mostly that means laundry. And dishes. And getting up the next day.

And sometimes it means missing a social event so I can keep a promise to my kids.

Now where were we?

Okay, I guess blogging once or twice a month is going to be my "new normal." So much to say, so little time!

We are finding a bit of a rhythm. I haven't worked a five-day week since WAY before kids were born, which does not mean I wasn't busy, of course, especially during the thirteen straight years in which I carried a diaper bag. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING compares to the fatigue of caring for a newborn and a couple of toddlers (and a couple of big kids, and...).

So yes, I'm tired, but hey, at least all my kids are potty-trained, can buckle their own seatbelts, and - in a pinch - a few of them can even make mac n' cheese. So I can't really complain, although I do feel much better after my 15-minute power nap once I get home.

I'm learning a lot, and I must say I love the hugs I get from my little charges wherever I go in town. That, and watching the little ones whisper shyly to their moms, "That's our new nurse!" Pretty cute.

Alrighty then, so how about some pics?

1. Ruthie-5 is now a kindergartner. Bittersweet does not begin to describe how this feels. This year I have two at the elementary school with me, one at the middle school, and two (HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??) in high school. Yes, mornings are just a wee bit busy nowadays. (Dennis has always made lunches for the kids, and as you can see, he is quite the master.)


2. But - fortunately - afternoons are still quite summer-like. So I hold onto my two little ones as if they were still little...sniff!
3. Libby-11 and I had a very nice time on our Passport to Purity weekend. We laughed and talked and ate junk food and made memories. And it was yet another opportunity to show that I simply not possess this generation's ability to take a decent self-portrait.
4. Allie-16 did get her license. Dennis took her to get it the next day, after the tears subsided from our dry run on her birthday. Every time I think of the carpool time I will save memories these two (and Libby, who rides with them as far as the middle school) will make on the road every morning (especially with those rockin' zebra seat covers!), it makes me happy.
5. My $50 landscape has been neglected this summer, but I did manage to get some Knockout roses on clearance in a few weeks ago (they are perking up from their scraggliness, once I finally got them in the ground!), and today I found my favorite nandinas (Gulf Stream) on sale for $6. I DO love a good plant bargain.
It is coming along nicely since I cleared out this spot back in April. Most of the other plants I stole moved or divided or traded with unsuspecting family members. I am so darn cheap, but hey, whatever works.

Blogging is definitely taking a back seat to life right now, and I don't see a fix for this any time in the near future, since I can't even access my personal email from my school office for a little lunchtime blogfest. WAH!

Brief and occasional will be the order of the day. Good enough.

So how are you doing?

Whew! And they're off!

Just a quick note to check in. Yes, I'm alive.

I thought last week was crazy, but apparently, the craziness has only just begun. Last week I had meetings every. day. for my new job as Small Town Elementary's school nurse. My sister Rachel Anne kidnapped the kids one day, and her daughter Lauren came another. She - I hesitate to use the word "babysat" - hung out with the kids. I am truly indebted. Other friends helped out with carpooling and babysitting. Thank you.

Had a little meltdown about Wednesday night, when I started feeling sorry for myself the reality of it all began to sink in. And a few other mini-meltdowns along the way. But it's all good.

This week, the kids started school with me. I pulled teeth, wrapped sprained fingers, and gave out lots of bandaids; it was Allie-16's birthday (we were SEVEN MINUTES LATE to the Department of Public Safety yesterday to get her license - we both cried all the way home); Dennis "interviewed" a boy who has expressed interest in her (an hour after they turned the water back on because - imagine that - the water bill was late, in all the madness the last few weeks); and (why does it always seem to surprise me?) we began juggling sports schedules again.

But I ask myself, "If I didn't have kids, what would I be doing?"

Nope, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

One thing that has been helpful is Kathy Peel's website, FamilyManager.com. I downloaded the Who's Responsible For What form. It's been a great starting point for discussion. When I went through the list, most of the items had defaulted to "MOM." I see where I have not delegated "just because I'm home," or "just because I have time."

We've looked at this form before, but this time it is a true necessity. I think the kids are beginning to "get it" that they must pitch in - not because Mom is a neat freak (yeah, right - that'd be the day!) but because chaos immediately ensues.

The first thing that gets shifted off my plate to someone else's will obviously be getting the bills paid on time.

Trusting

This has been a very weird week. Through a series of odd circumstances that only God could orchestrate, I started the week minding my own business, then looked up yesterday to find myself hired as the elementary school nurse here in Small Town!

Say what?

The mix of hope and dread is a bit disconcerting. Hope that I can make a difference in a child's life, kissing away boo-boos (while I have work hours that finally synch with my own kids'). Dread that I am in WAY over my head, and that I will most certainly lose control of every aspect of my life!

So, uh, what else is new?

Yep, letting go of control seems to be THE recurring theme of my life. The main thing I am having to let go of (with the events of the past year), is my own version of what it means to be a "good mom." Much of which I have subconsciously associated (depending on the stage of my life) with my status as a stay-at-home mom, homeschooling mom, crafty mom, mom whose children love vegetables, mom with ability to accessorize - you fill in your own blank.

I've been most of those at one time or another in my years of being a parent (I bet you can guess which ones I haven't been!), and none of them, in and of themselves, (a) magically improved my relationship with my kids, or (b) made my child's heart turn toward God.

Nope. I guess I am coming down to this (again): I have to believe God can do something incredible in my family, even when the circumstances are not what I deem perfect.

In fact, I would almost go so far as to say He loves to make sure circumstances are NOT perfect, so we will fall on our faces before Him BEGGING Him to salvage what we cannot possibly fix.

I thought this fall would look very different from how it is turning out. Our youngest child is starting kindergarten, and I was dreaming of having a bit more time to blog, garden, get organized, and pursue some other interests. I realize now those are luxuries that may have to wait - maybe until I am a grandmother!

So the question is, can I purpose in my heart to find joy here - now? Can I accept this, as the Psalmist says, as the "portion" He has assigned for me? Can I keep my attitude Christlike (I sometimes like to overlook the fact that He "made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.")? Can I point my children to Christ, even when I am overwhelmed?

Yes, Lord. I am willing to trust that Your ways are not my ways - that You have a plan for what looks like a detour. That You are there, even when I can't organize, maneuver, or manipulate my way to perfection.

That You are good.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 62:1

Old thoughts related to this (I told you this was a recurring theme!):
Perfect or best?
The end of the parenting honeymoon
Shelter is not a place
Once-and-for-all parenting

Growing up

This weekend Libby-11 and I are FINALLY going "away" on our Passport to Purity weekend. Poor child. We've been talking about it for over a year - but, what with the move, our austerity budget, Africa, my job...let's just say it got postponed a few times, and when I suggested to Libby that maybe September would be a better time to go, she started crying.

Time is a crazy thing. It is never convenient. Has it really been three years since Dennis took Neal (now 14)? Oh, my.

I was talking recently to a mother whose youngest daughter is getting married soon, and she said, "Once they reach middle school, they're gone." Not GONE-gone, of course. I think it just feels that way. Everything is suddenly at warp-speed. I am already looking at Allie-15 and Neal (who were 11 when they went on their weekends and I thought they were so grown up), and rather than just looking ahead to the school year, I am somehow seeing college, marriage, children. HOW ON EARTH can that be happening while I still have so much parenting to do? But somehow I am as excited about that as I was when they got their first teeth.

So I must seize this opportunity to make a memory with Libby, my middle child. The Ever Patient One who asks so little, and whose growing up has all but taken me by surprise. I wanted to take her to a lake and have a peaceful time in a cabin, but I guess after a year of living in Small Town she has had her fill of "country." So we got a good deal on a hotel near a mall (near our old stomping grounds in Big Suburb). Us country bumpkins will spend the weekend doing "city stuff" while talking about Important Growing Up issues. I can't wait.

Meanwhile, speaking of growing up, while I was outside yesterday, I heard a blood-curdling scream. "MOM!" It was Ruthie-5, yelling out the back door in a way that she usually does when she can't find me and thinks I have left her ("Have I EVER left you alone, Ruthie? No, I will NEVER, EVER leave you!"). Soon she came running around to the front of house where I was, crying hysterically.

I didn't see any blood. "Hey, Ruthie, what's the matter?" I always try to sound so calm. Maybe she broke a bone, that's why there's no blood?

She ran to me as fast as her little legs could carry her. "MOOOOOM!"

"What, Baby, what is it?"

"MOM! I MISS MY HIGH CHAIR!"

Your high chair?

Ruthie and Annie-8 had been playing "baby." Earlier they had asked if they could use the stroller, which - now that our youngest is, um, FIVE - I keep around only for rare trips to amusement parks, mostly to carry all our junk, and with the express instruction that I will push no one who weighs more than 50 lbs (why do all kids think Mom should push, carry, or pull them, even when they are bigger than you?).

Anyway, I guess now the girls wanted to put each other in the high chair, and they couldn't find it.

The hysteria continued to escalate. "WHERE IS MY HIGH CHAIR? I MISS MY HIGH CHAIR!" Tears were streaming down her face and she was gasping for air.

I knew it had gotten hauled off in a pile of junk after the garage sale, but I couldn't tell her that. Nobody would buy it, and not just because it had served four other kids faithfully and was being held together with strapping tape. Somehow in our move, we had lost the tray. Not that she could fit her long, gangly legs under the tray anyway.

I could see that no amount of explaining (such as, "You haven't sat in that ratty thing for two years!") was going to help. We "searched" the garage and the shed. "I'm sorry, Honey. It's not here."

Finally, I had to go for the big guns: "Why don't we make a snow cone and we'll sit and talk about all our memories in the high chair. What flavor shall we make?"

The sobbing began to subside as we ate our black cherry snow cones and talked about baby times and looked at pictures of the beloved high chair, like this one.I found myself getting choked up. Libby came by and whispered to me, "Mom, it's just a high chair."

Sigh. She's right, of course. But, like our upcoming weekend, that high chair represents a fleeting moment in time. One that serves a purpose, marks the beginning of something new, and the end of something precious. It deserves to be treasured and remembered.

Overplanning and underplanning

As I was reading my old post about How Does Your Home Operate, I thought of a couple of potholes that, although on opposite ends of the spectrum, still seem to trip me up equally. It's that Home Management Schizophrenia kicking in again.

Overplanning. When I err on this side, it is usually because of my overly optimistic personality.

"Of course! Thursday will be a great day to do all the laundry, grocery shopping, yard work and bake 400 cookies for the bake sale!"

This frequently happens either because (1) something has happened earlier in the week (sick child, for example) that has pushed these to-do items farther and farther back on the agenda, and I feverishly intend to finish them or else. Or, (2) it's because I secretly know I won't get them all done anyway, but oh, how I love to wallow in the guilt that never-accomplishing tends to breed in my gentle soul.

Sigh.

(For those of you who do have the energy to accomplish those items all on the same day (and hey, why not paint the kitchen, too?), overplanning might not wear YOU out, but your family may not appreciate your slave-driving encouragement toward obsessiveness excellence.)

I know I'm getting into this mode when I begin to hear [insert pleading voice and/or pulling on my clothing to get my attention]: "Mom, just sit down with me," as I'm scurrying through the house. And I know I need to listen when my replies start sounding like this: "I can't. I have too much to do." My priorities get so whacked out sometimes.

Underplanning. Underplanning is much more of an issue with me, maybe because I'm a "lastborn" and I chafe under anything that might tie me down and make me accountable, even when it's self-imposed. It also has a remnant of the "lost" feeling I had fifteen years ago when I started staying home with kids and didn't know what to do to with a suddenly blank week. "Hey, no need to feel bad! I didn't really plan to get that laundry done, anyway. I have all week to do that."

I like to think it's that optimism again: "Hey, it's all gonna work out! I'll get it done eventually!" But Eventually rarely comes. Instead, the evil nemesis, Crisis, and her cousin, Emergency, arrive - unannounced, of course.

Both overplanning (whether I kill everyone in the process of accomplishing everything, or I habitually make promises I can't keep) and underplanning make my kids crazy. They make me crazy.

ACK. Where is the balance?

I suppose I am happiest when I have enough of a plan for the day and/or week that I can easily look at my calendar and know whether or not I am going to be able to say "yes" to watching my neighbor's kids when she has a meeting to go to. Or when I have enough of a plan to not get too bent out of shape when a child gets sick unexpectedly on a day I'd planned on getting a lot accomplished.

I guess I just can't get too hung up in the particulars. In other words, I want to plan with flexibility so that Crisis and Emergency are not the driving force of our family life. Although they may slow things down a bit, they do not make life come to a complete standstill.

For example: My work schedule. It drives us all crazy. It's different every week, and sometimes I don't know what days I'm going to work until - like today - in the morning. Yes, I got a call at 6:45 this morning, and I'm leaving in a few minutes.

But generally, I do know I will be working two days each week, so in my heart of hearts I know I can't loaf off on the other days, whichever ones they are. I just can't. When I am home, I MUST be pecking away at the laundry and maintaining a running list of items I need the kids to help me with. Here is where chore clips have been an absolute life saver.

This is the same when you are "working" at home with a newborn or a houseful of kids. Certain days and certain times of day need to be designated as work times.

I also need to communicate to my family when "work" has ended, and "downtime" has begun. In the last year or so, I have made it a goal not to check email in the evening, because my kids couldn't tell that I was "relaxing." To them, it ALL looks like Mom is working.

Again.

Still.

When I say down time, I even mean planning for some computer down time.

When it comes to the kids, they are really just happy when they know what's coming - whether that means that Saturday is going to be a work day so don't make plans, or that Saturday we are going to a movie. (I feel so smart when I tell them, "After we work on XYZ, let's go to the movies!"). Or when I tell them I am going to be working on the computer (laundry, making dinner, etc.) until 6 o'clock, and then I stick to my word, get OFF, look them in the eye, and maybe even feed them. Or when I tell them I'm going to read them a story or take them clothes shopping, and I don't let other, "more important" things (are they really more important, or are they just urgent?) get in the way.

So I guess this was just a rambling way of saying, remember why you are planning. We are homemakers not housekeepers.

Okay and now I am off to my "other work." I need to make lists for the kids and fold laundry before I go.

Midsummer night's dream of organization?

My summer is really flying by. Right about now is when I start wondering, "Was I crazy to think I'd have MORE time," what with my children all home 24/7, unconstructively occupied and/or bored? And let's not forget my little job, which has somehow mushroomed from Monday-only to, well, way too many hours.

About this time I also start feeling the need to rein in the disorganization that creeps up on all of us as we are in "vacation mode."

I told you last week I'd take the second half of my friend's email (the first half was about activities). This half is mostly about getting organized when you are outnumbered and (most likely) outmaneuvered by your offspring:

Speaking of the home...I feel a little out of control here this summer. I got so used to having kids at school and being on routine, that we are the exact opposite of routine right now. It's like grasping at straw to get the kids to help out. I know I need to make up a chart (they are good with charts) for chores, or some type of system. I just don't know where to begin after the hand method. (Which worked very well for me, thanks!) You don't need to answer me via a long e-mail, but if you could guide me to a few of your posts on the subject, that would be great. I wish I could get my hands on a copy of that book you always talk about. :)

Needless to say, it's been a tough summer so far. I won't say that there haven't been great moments, because there have been! We have had lots of fun family time together. It's just that after a while the kids start getting on each others' nerves (and mine) and it's like we all need a time out from each other. Today I actually wished that there was some kind of re-set button where my house would magically be clean and organized, my children would be getting along, and I could start fresh. But there isn't, and I have to start where I am. Have you ever made a list of the things that are making you unhappy, and then tried to fix them, one at a time? Crazy, I know. I thought maybe I could pinpoint exactly what was bothering me.

Oh girl, have I ever been there. And yes, I have made lists of every kind (remember, before blogs there were JOURNALS). In fact, that's an excellent place to begin.

Lately, for example, I have noticed that my usually-well-mannered youngest two (5 and 8) have been completely AWFUL in the car together. Obnoxious-awful. Hitting-awful (I know! I can't believe it, either!). This, from the two that normally play for hours at a time together.

One day it dawned on me (I'm SO SMART) that it all came down to something very simple: FOOD. Our willy-nilly summer schedule has taken its toll on them. The older kids fend for themselves, and I? Well, let's just say I graze all day eat when I think about it, which is usually, um, a bit irregular.

So imagine that. Routine (yet again) saves the day.

I think this is where those of us "moms in the middle," or veteran moms tend to run into trouble. The big kids are on one schedule, and - if truth be told - they ARE the schedule. Those poor little ones are running behind just as fast as their little pudgy legs can carry them. They try so hard to keep up. And we - when we see that they are falling behind - instead of slowing down, we pick them up and drag them along. And through it all, they are so easygoing.

To a point.

But they sure let you know when they reach that point, don't they (do I hear the brakes screeching??!). Like my girls who just needed a decent, regular meal. They told me by fighting in the car.

Well, rats. I have to go to a basketball game, speaking of dragging little ones along. I have lots of thoughts on this, because I know the frustration so many of you are experiencing, trying to find your stride when, well, you can't find the floor for the debris. For now, I'll leave you with an old post (which links to several even older posts). We can talk some more tomorrow.

How does your home operate?

Out of Africa: an interview with Allie

It's been a week since Allie-15 got back from Africa. We keep getting little bits and pieces - I think the trip is so overwhelming she will be processing all she experienced for quite some time! But I thought I'd sit down with her and ask her a few questions about her trip:

What were some of your team’s main jobs while in South Africa?
The past two weeks have been without a doubt the most life-changing and heart breaking weeks of my life. While in South Africa, one of our main projects was a de-worming project. Children infected with worms in South Africa has been quite an ongoing problem, and the numbers of children infected are continuing to rise. While in the body, the worms eat 70% of the food consumed by the children, leaving them malnourished and starving.

When our group did our de-worming project, we visited different communities in South Africa. The children would make lines depending on their age, and were given their pill for the worms. We would check to make sure they chewed their pill (it turned their tongue white!), then they would get a sandwich, juice, and some chips. Once all the children in the community were fed (there were usually 85-110 children per community) we were given the rest of the time to play and interact with the children. They all liked to get stickers!This was my favorite part - being able to ask them questions about their life, their dreams, and being able to love the children who don’t ever receive love. It is the greatest experience, being able to see children who are so happy to live with almost nothing, and to see the love the children display to others.

Did you meet anyone on the trip that really impacted you?
When we drove up to a certain community and got out of the van, this little girl caught my eye. There was a whole group of younger girls, all in a circle, but she was away from them, sitting by herself on the ground with her head down.

After setting up everything we needed for the food and pills, I walked up to her, and sat on the ground next to her. I said hello, with a big smile on my face. She couldn’t even look up at me, and I could see the tears coming down her face. Her friends walked up to me, and said she was 5 years old, and that her name was Inez. They also said that her older sister (about 12) could no longer care for her, and had dropped her off in this community about a month ago. This left Inez and her seven-year-old sister by themselves.
After we fed the children, I got to spend my time with Inez. She warmed up so quickly, and when a smile finally came on her face, it made me feel a feeling I had never felt before in my life. She was so adorable, and she loved to sit in my lap and play peek-a-boo games, and play with my hands.

As it was time to leave, I realized that I would have to say goodbye to Inez. I walked to her with my arms out and said goodbye, and she looked up at me and started to cry. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. I realized that she probably hasn’t had attention like this in the longest time, and now we all had to go - leaving her alone, with no family, or no home.

That next Sunday, we visited a local church. As I walked through the doors, there was Inez, sitting in the corner of the tiny little church. Her face lit up and she smiled the biggest grin. When she hugged me, and I realized that Inez was one of the reasons I came to Africa. To unconditionally love someone, who receives none.

What else exciting happened while you were on the trip?

We met two teams of volunteers - on from the UK and one from Australia. It was a really cool experience meeting teens from around the world.

I learned that cream soda is GREEN in South Africa, "pancakes" are really what we would call crepes, and girls call their bangs their "fringe."

And we saw some very large bugs!On the weekends we got to do some sightseeing, including visiting famous places like God's Window, Mac Mac Falls, The Pinnacle and The Potholes.

On the last weekend of the trip, we visited Kruger National Park. I can tell you one thing, I will never look at the Dallas Zoo the same! At Kruger, the animals roam free, and you drive through the park with your windows down, and you can see all of Africa’s amazing animals. Elephants and giraffes leisurely walk across the roads, and cheetahs play with their cubs on the road sides. You get to see how the wild animals interact in their own habitat.

Here is a leopard we saw:
It was amazing to see all of the animals in Africa at arm’s length out the window! It’s crazy to think that Kruger is the size of Israel. We drove for 11 hours throughout the park, and only traveled a tiny bit of it! If you’re ever considering going to South Africa, Kruger National Park should definitely be on your list of things to see.

How has this trip to South Africa impacted you?
This is without a doubt, the greatest experience I have ever had. The Lord really blessed me on this trip, and especially with finances. Thank you all who contributed in donations to make it possible for me to go on this trip.

The Lord showed me many things on this trip. I realized, here in America, 16-year-old girls my age take so many things for granted. Girls think that when you turn 16, they “expect” to get a car for their birthday. They “expect” to have a Sweet 16 birthday party, and in America, if you don’t have a cell phone, you have it pretty rough. That is SO not reality!

Take a walk into a community in South Africa. Even adults don’t have cars, unless you have some kind of money-which trust me, not many do. Women walk miles and miles with giant water basins on their heads, and don’t even complain - and yet teenagers here complain if we have to walk a couple streets over! It made me realize that the things that I had been “expecting” at home were things that I don’t “need.” They’re what America is making teenagers think is acceptable and necessary, and that is ridiculous.

Working with Hands at Work was such a great experience. My parents and I have talked about it, and I plan* to go again to South Africa next summer. The Lord has really shown me that missions is where my heart is. I think that it is important to go somewhere like this, at the age that I am. If any of you are reading this, and you have a teenager who wants to do out-of-the-country missions and you are hesitant about it, let them go! You will not regret it. Even if you aren’t a teenager, and you want to go, you will not come home the same. You are changed. And you get the missions “bug”- and want to go to every inch of every continent, and love and be Jesus to everyone.


But again, I wanted to thank everyone who made it possible for me to go on this trip! God bless you guys. I have so many stories I could tell, about this trip. So if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

*Warning to parents: see what happens when you let them go once??

Random

On the way home from the airport the other night, Allie-15 was telling us about her trip to Africa. It was close to midnight and we were having a very big-picture conversation about poverty, illness, culture, God and life lessons.

Out of the blue, Ruthie-5 interjects, "I have something to say!" (she had obviously been trying to say something for quite some time, but nobody had been paying attention to her).

"Yes, Ruthie, what do you have to say?" we asked her.

"Um. I saw, like, a thousand million shooting stars when we were at camp."

A stunned silence followed. Camp was, like, a month ago. Where on earth did that come from?

A little snickering was nipped in the bud by a DON'T SAY ANYTHING OR ELSE look from me. Then they got it: the kids took cues from each other: "Wow, Ruthie, that is so awesome! I love shooting stars!" Then we had a little conversation about stars.

Africa. Poverty. Illness. Stars.

Yep, I love the element of "random" around here. It's is one of the Great Mysteries of family life. It helps us keep things light, and, even with a carload of kids at midnight, it has a sneaky way of putting things in perspective.

He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Psalm 147:4

We have our daughter back!

We knew there had been a change to the return flight from Johannesburg, but I didn't really look at the itinerary until yesterday morning. The first leg was Johannesburg to Doha.

Doha? What on earth is that?

Well, it's the capital of Qatar, this teeny, tiny country on the Persian Gulf (see it there?). Note how we are wanting them to go north and west, and how this flight goes north and east, nine hours out of their way. This "little change" made our poor group's total return time (flights plus layovers) over 34 hours (it was a mere 22 hours going eastbound)!

The hour ride home put us in the driveway after midnight, but it gave us a chance to ask questions we hadn't been able to ask (The most important one: "Did you take pictures?" Yes, I maxed out the memory card!).

Today we are just hanging out, and while we are doing two weeks' worth of laundry (minus all the skirts she left), we will be going through over 500 pictures and getting reacquainted.

People have asked me if I missed her, and I did, but I almost felt like she went off to college. Weird, I know. Like I knew I would see her again, but it would be a while, so take a deep breath. I knew she was safe and doing something important and having the time of her life, so I wasn't worried.

But it sure is good to have her back.

Thank you for all your prayers and support that made this trip possible!

When activities have served their purpose

Wow, I think it's a record for 2009 - three posts in a week!

I thought I'd hop down off my soapbox about activities today with a final thought.

d. The Sunset Review. If you are from Texas, you will be familiar with this. The Sunset Commission was created to identify and eliminate waste, duplication, and inefficiency in government agencies.

I love this from their website:

The Commission questions the need for each agency, looks for potential duplication of other public services or programs, and considers new and innovative changes to improve each agency's operations and activities....

In most cases, agencies under Sunset review are AUTOMATICALLY abolished unless legislation is enacted to continue them.

(my emphasis)

Every family needs to have its own Sunset Commission. Just like the government, sometimes we don't see our own waste, duplication or inefficiency. Instead of reviewing activities each season, we keep piling on more and more new ones. This is bad for all families, but particularly for those of us with lots of kids, this leads - quite quickly - to exponential schedule overload.

Our family (despite all our careful planning) is not immune to this. Dennis has helped coach Libby-11's softball team for six years. It all started quite innocently when a bunch of kindergarten dads got together and thought it would be "fun" to coach their daughters. Fall and spring, without fail, Libby has played. She loved it, learned the sport, and became quite a good little first baseman. She would always tell you she considered softball to be "her sport."

Suddenly this summer, when presented the opportunity to play again in the fall, she fell apart. "I'm sick of softball!" What?? But it's your favorite sport! For weeks we discussed this, and the answer was always the same: "I just want a break!"

Then there was something under her breath about liking basketball better. What? And Dad isn't even the coach?

Alrighty then. Do we, because we have "always" done it (because she is good at it, because Dad is a coach, because she might "get behind" the other girls, or even because the team "needs" her...you get the idea) force our child to continue?

Or has the purpose of elementary rec-league softball been accomplished? Okay, let's see, what WAS the purpose, anyway? Was it to become a professional softball player? Or was it to learn the sport, to learn to play with a team...oh, and to HAVE FUN?

Perhaps the purpose was to discover that this isn't my child's favorite sport, after all?

Yep, it's hard to believe, but for the moment, softball - a "given" in our lives for six years - is being abolished after its Raising Five Family Sunset Review.

Okay, enough rambling.

How do y'all decide when an activity has served its purpose?

On looking like a circus act (Activities, Part 1)
On fear and being out of control (Activities, Part 2)

Even more rambling on activities

Wow, two posts in two days! Amazing!

Yesterday I got to rambling about outside activities for kids. It got rather lengthy so I'm installing the next chapter today.

The question was:

Um, how do you keep the ball from rolling right out of control with you on it, trying not to look like a circus act? Fear of being out of control is the underlying issue here. It is what has kept me from allowing my older children to branch out into sports, girl scouts, and other positive activities outside the home.

The circus act part is a given. So let's talk about the next issue:

2. On fear and being out of control. This is a very real, very scary possibility. I'm no psychologist, but I will say in my observations of families, those with "control issues" tend to look good on the outside - and they do get things done - but at a huge cost (think Michael Jackson).

Of all our teens' friends, those whose parents try to control them (either by having unrealistic expectations of athletics, academics, behavior, or - the ultimate relationship killer - just general perfection) have the most strained, "I can't wait to get out of here" relationships with them. I don't know about you, but that's not where we want to be with our crew.

I struggle with wanting to control things. Sometimes I go bonkers over eternally insignificant things, like which way to load the dishwasher. But I am learning. In many ways I liken parenting to catching the proverbial greased pig. You may not always be able to get a firm grip on it, so you'd better let it out in a fenced area. In other words, you have to let them have some running room within some set limits, even if that means a little inconvenience for you.

But this, of course, makes us uncomfortable. We like to keep that fenced area about the size of a large cage, so we can throw them some slop every now and then through a little peephole.

But keep in mind that a little exercise is good for them and helps them grow stronger. Besides, eventually they get hungry, so they will come back. And (the added bonus) after all that running around, we all sleep better at night.

3. On outside activities. There are lots of ways to do this, and every family has a different ways of deciding what and how much. So take with a grain of salt what we have done in our family:

a. Few "organized" preschool activities. The exception to this is swimming lessons (for safety) and preschool choir (because they meet at the same time we are already at church). We made this decision early on, mostly because we figured that anything that can be gained by a bunch of three-year-olds chasing a soccer ball can be done in the back yard, without having the pressure of having to be on a time schedule for "practice" and "games" (if you've ever been to a preschool soccer game, you understand why I use the words loosely).

A trip to a thrift store for a uniform or a tutu is a cheap alternative and can get the same emotional benefit as investing an entire season of hauling your preschooler (and all of his or her siblings) to and from organized activities.

Most of our kids did not do their first sport/music lesson etc. until first or second grade. Allie-15 did not discover volleyball until 5th grade - but I can assure you her "late" start has not hampered her one bit.

b. One sport/activity per person per season. Or alternate seasons. I do believe that there is merit to involving our kids in team sports, classes, and other things that teach them new skills. Especially if it’s a skill I don’t have or that I have no passion for (you want them to catch the passion as much as the skill). My experience is that, while it is difficult because of younger siblings in diapers, the elementary/middle school years are the best time to do this. There are usually other kids who have never tried a certain sport or activity (or at least aren’t very good at it), and kids haven’t yet developed as much of a fear of failure.

So like it or not…now is the time to explore new things.

HOWEVER (watch out, this is part of my Big Family Soapbox), I believe some of the exhaustion I experienced early on in parenting came from having "Small Family" Expectations" of a "Big Family" Family. And by "big family" I mean more than two children.

The fact is, if you have three or more kids, you have more work to do than "most" people do (that is, if you hang out with "average" people. Roll with me here - no hate mail please. For example, on Libby's-11 softball team, out of 12 girls on the team, only four families have more than two kids each).

More laundry. More dishes. More doctor's appointments. More shopping trips. More field trips. More stuff to keep track of. More people to get sick. You have more potential for conflict (time AND personality). You have more places to be, more things to consider.

You will simply NOT be able physically to do some of the things others do. (And generally, when you do the math, you will not be able to afford everything for every child, anyway. When everyone on the basketball team wants to go out to a restaurant after the game, we have to do a mental calculation of what this means to our wallet. Hmmm, a "little" spontaneous dinner at Chili's could put our crew out close to $100. We either bow out, suggest a cheaper place, or only the player gets to go. It's tough!)

So right here, right now, let's all cut ourselves some slack. Whew, I feel better, don't you?

But of course your kids don't want to hear all that, because they are still under the misguided notion that life revolves around them.

So you have to arm yourself, and educate your kids, to understand that families need down time. Time to be home. Time to be quiet, time to read, time to dream, time to DO NOTHING. (Okay, and time to get your room cleaned, but you don't have to mention that one just yet.)

Unfortunately in our culture, you have to practically take on a battle mentality to fight the overwhelming pressure to fill up every.single.day. with "activities." It is hard, but BE STRONG!

From early on, we have tried to help our kids make good decisions about choosing activities, including saying "no" or "wait" to some good things. It's good training for later in life.

That being said, even with careful planning, careful pruning of outside activities, if you have a houseful of kids, you are going to be BUSY.

That's why you need:

c. Realistic expectations of participation. Our kids go into activities knowing that: (1) they will sometimes have to attend rehearsals and/or practices without Mom watching The Whole Time; (2) they will sometimes have to ride to and from activities with someone other than Mom; (3) they will have one parent at their games/recitals/performances, but may not have both; and (4) they may or may not have all their siblings at every game/recital/performance.

The reality is, over the course of a childhood/adolescence, they will have parents and siblings at many, MANY of the things that are important to them. Think Long Haul, and pace yourself.

The converse of this is relinquishing ourselves of the expectation to be a leader for everything our children are involved in. I have, at various times, taught Sunday school, been a room mom, or a team mom, youth leader, etc. Dennis has taught children's church, manned youth group functions, and helped coach. But never for ALL five of our children's activities at the same time. That would be schedule suicide. Let's just be realistic with ourselves and teach our kids to have realistic expectations of their parents, too.

I want to hear what works for you!

Next time: The Sunset Review

Rambling on and on about activities

I love it when I get emails that give me something to write about besides Africa (five more days!).

Here's one I got the other day. It's from a friend with a houseful of children, toddler to elementary ages. It reads like a page out of my own personal journal a few years ago. Maybe it sounds like a page from yours, too.

Here's the first part. I'll take the next parts later in the week:

Katherine, I have been following your summer posts and I need some advice. I read your posts and quite frankly, the future scares me. I know that it's like being newlywed and looking at a happy couple of a toddler and deciding not to have kids because it looks too hard. Babies come out as babies for a reason. And then they progress into toddlers, and then preschoolers, and then school age...well, you get the idea.

I still get scared when I think about the future though. Up until now, we haven't had any activities outside of the home. With five kids so close together it just hasn't been possible. But my older two are jump starting things by going to kids' camp this year for two nights of camping at our church. That is really going to get the ball rolling.

Um, how do you keep the ball from rolling right out of control with you on it, trying not to look like a circus act? Fear of being out of control is the underlying issue here. It is what has kept me from allowing my older children to branch out into sports, girl scouts, and other positive activities outside the home.

Today's thought:

1. On trying not to look like a circus act. Good luck with that.

We were just watching old family videos the other day. For hours, we stepped back in time. One of the favorites we found was one where all seven of us (kids ages 1-11) were on an airplane together. OH, we must have been such a sight!! Taking up two rows and sitting across the aisle from each other...passing the baby back and forth, picking up markers and gum wrappers off the floor. So noisy, and sheesh, just all of our STUFF!!

My entire memory of the older children's first years playing sports is always being the last one in the parking lot. Everyone else was long gone, but there I was, still...buckling everyone in and out of car seats, changing diapers (why did they always poop just as we were heading home? Could they not wait the fifteen minutes until we got back to the privacy of our own changing table?) putting strollers, diaper bags, sippy cups and snacks back in the car, cleaning up spills, and dismantling arguments about who gets to sit where - all while trying to tell my young player, "Great job today!"

Ahh, those were the days.

I guess because the car-seat days are behind me (sniff!), when I see families, especially young families, I just love to watch all the different interactions that are going on. It is truly fascinating.

You might as well embrace the fact that, until at least the majority of your kids can wipe themselves, your family will be a very entertaining sideshow. But just think, some day you, too, will have a reservoir of incredible family memories that keep your kids occupied for hours indoors when it is 105 degrees outside.

Rats, I rambled on and on too much about the next things on the list, so I will have to break this up.

Next time:

2. On fear and being out of control
3. On outside activities