Friday, April 18, 2008

Long awaited meltdown

Last night around 11:00 I had my much-anticipated and well-deserved meltdown. I thought I held up rather well during these months of upheaval, but it was time. All of what's been happening with our move situation coincided (naturally) with some of Dennis's busiest work weeks of the year, and I finally just lost it.

Mostly my emotions are just mixed. I'm happy that we are moving, but frustrated that five months of looking have not made our dream house surface.

This week we found the perfect house for us - the fixer-upper near a subdivision. This is the one we looked at as a short-term alternative to leasing and as a possible investment. Turns out, it's five bedrooms and 3800 square feet on 1.5 acres, for about 1/3 less than we were going to pay for the Crazy House (which stalled in negotiations with an arrogant agent).

The downside is, of course, that it is (a) not in the country, and (b) it is 1/2 mile from a highway, which I can see across a field from the front door. While I'm excited at the thought of transforming it (and hiding the view) with creative landscaping (which we would have the money to do, since we'd have a smaller mortgage), I am afraid there's not much we can do about the highway noise. Even if the plan is to live in the house for only 2 years and then resell it, would I lose my mind?

Some of it is letting go of dreams and embracing reality. My dream never included a stop to flip a house before settling on "the" house. Reality is, this could be more than just an investment. How well I know, it could very well BE "the" house for much longer than two years (how quickly the last six years have passed in our current house!). Am I willing to embrace that?

I just keep reminding myself that the main reason we wanted to move to a smaller town is so our kids could be in a smaller school system, and so that we could slow down the insane pace inherent in city life. I do not have to live in a dream home to accomplish that goal (but hey, can ya fault a girl for trying?!).

Somehow along the way I was hoping that we could slip in a few sideline wishes like country property with a view. Yes, that would be nice, wouldn't it? But I have to believe that His refusals are always His mercies. I must be willing to trust His ultimate plan for our family, even though I don't understand all the "why's" of this seemingly meandering part of the journey.
So God led the people around by way of the wilderness.
Exodus 13:18


Elspeth said...

If I had been living the saga you've described over the past few months, I probably would have had weekly meltdowns. In private of course, but meltdowns, nonetheless!

We all have to make concessions sometimes, and your ability to do so with such grace and contentment speaks volumes.

Anonymous said...

I think you have great wisdom for yourself and others. I'm a true believer in God opening and shutting doors. We just have to be alert to his leading. We have to be able to hear his still, small voice and his loud, booming declarations. ;-) Melanie in OR

mholgate said...

I once lived by a highway. Eventually you get used to the humming of the cars. I used to pretend the noise was the sound of the ocean waves and imagine myself vacationing at the coast. : )

You're doing a great job considering what's best for your family. Keep your chin up! God is there for you to lean on...especially during the expected meltdowns.

Lori - Queen of Dirty Laundry said...

You deserved that meltdown, sister. I hope you rolled around and wallowed in it for awhile before it was over!

I, too, lived near a highway for awhile; even grew up across the street from a railroad track. I think almost anything fades in the background after awhile. Except an airport, maybe.

I'm still so impressed with how well you're handling SO much chaos and so many decisions. I wanna be just like you when I grow up!

Jen said...

You know I went through this last year at this very same time. We prayed to find our dream home....we found it...blood sweat and tears baby. I'm praying Katharine you find your dream home......soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh Katherine, praying for you. I can tell that God's refusals being mercies is such a theme for you to speak truth to yourself... aren't those fun? (Well, frustrating sometimes, but fun). Praying praying praying. you're wonderful!!!!
so much love from emily g.

ps- i got into that program!

fAiThFuL cHiCk said...

Oh, the joys of ever-changing plans! God certainly has a way of letting us know who God is, and doesn't it always seem to happen when we have made our very best plans?!

Praying for clarity and wisdom for all of you. Sounds like there are some really positive things to weigh out the negative. Keep us posted

If I was closer to TX, I would take you clothes shopping to get your mind off of it. :)

Sunny said...

I dont think I've ever posted a comment, but I've been stalking...uh...I mean reading your blog for a while and I'm always so inspired. :)

I would have had a melt down WAY before now (and more than one). I think it's perfectly fine to have them and the fact that you always look to God proves that everything will be ok. His way.

And hey, if you get the house near the highway you can add a little waterfall into a small pond to the landscape to drown out some noise.

Andrea said...

I love you. (Seriously, I do. ;)
I can't believe you *haven't* had a breakdown until now. It's fine and *normal*. (don't you just love when people tell you the way you are acting is *normal*. I do, anyway.)
His refusals are His mercies.
Oh. Yep, they are.

Andrea said...

Oh, and the highway sounds you get used to!! Trust me! ;)

secondofwett said...

I have lost count of the many times that I thought I had a simply fabulous idea, and then the Lord puts the brakes on...hard...and I melt down in a puddle of confusion and whining....Corrie ten Boom says it's good to have our don't give up...the Lord could have something in mind that's even better than your dream!!!!!

Susanne said...

I think you've held out well, Katherine! A meltdown or two is surely allowed with everything going on.

Both my SIL and my niece live about a half mile from a highway and the traffic noise is really not that bad. In fact most times, you don't even notice it. They even have a railway yard across that highway and one still doesn't really hear that much. Does that make you feel any better about it?

Les & Sweetie Berry said...

When Les and I moved to Alabama, I went through 5 count them FIVE house inspections on different houses we thought were the dream house ....and they would crumble with the results...we ended up in town, not in the country, not even in an old house like I love to find...but God is God and He had a reason for this and it is home for now!
hugs hugs hugs

Debbie said...

The way you look to God in this challenging time of upheaval has truly been an example to me.

We are considering moving or an addition. We'd love to have a few acres in the country, too. But God is not opening the doors right now. Property is so expensive here, everything is out of our price range.

I love the quote,"His refusals are His mercies." I will remember that! Still praying for you and your sweet family.

Julie said...

I think your melt down was much deserved and over due.

Hang in there girl!

How much trafic noise are you talking about??? Would landscaping help with that also?


Name: Jenni said...

You held out longer than I would have - I believe it was a much deserved meltdown!

I too was wondering if your landscaping would help with the noise? On the bright side, it's not a train track (as I listen to the whistle blow from the tracks a block away) You do get used to it. I hardly ever remember it's there unless it's really quiet - not too often around here!

My other thought was, if you bought this house with the smaller mortgage could you purchase land somewhere and then build "the" house?!? Or be saving to put more towards "the" house in a few years and then your mortgage still wouldn't be too high.

Sorry, I hope I'm not throwing more into the mix. The fixer upper does sound nice - 5 bedrooms and 3800 sq feet?!? I'd be so jealous!

Anonymous said...

We bought on a busy road because we are just starting out and that's what's in our first time home buyer price range. The noise is surprisingly ignored--especially once you have your furniture and drapes in the place -- the sound becomes muffled.

Unknown said...

I know you are trusting that God is moving you in this direction.

I hope that it turns out great, and yes, a little fit now and then is understandable.

Anonymous said...

I grew up in a little town with a highway, railroad track and the waterfront (shrimp boats & a draw bridge) within earshot. You will be surprised about how easy it will become background noise that you scarcely notice.

You can do a lot of country living on 1.5 acres. Check out the book The Self-sufficient Life and How to Live It -

Angela said...

Your blogs are so inspiring and keep me moving forward...we are in a similar adventure, watiting on God's perfect timing. Even though I know I would not want it any other way, it is still hard in the process of waiting at times. Perhaps its about preserverance:)

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.James 1:2-4

Kendra said...

First time on your blog ~ I really enjoyed the quote,"His refusals are His mercies." WOW ~ How true is that?

She-Ra said...

it's so hard (for me anyway!) to make decisions about where to go and when to go. I like it when someone else tells me what to do. Then I just get on with the business of making the best of it -whatever "it" is. Now when I speak of "someone else" it has always been Uncle Sam directing my family and our moves. Discerning what God is trying to tell me is always much much harder.

So I will just pray for you. That's all we can really do isn't it?