The mix of hope and dread is a bit disconcerting. Hope that I can make a difference in a child's life, kissing away boo-boos (while I have work hours that finally synch with my own kids'). Dread that I am in WAY over my head, and that I will most certainly lose control of every aspect of my life!
So, uh, what else is new?
Yep, letting go of control seems to be THE recurring theme of my life. The main thing I am having to let go of (with the events of the past year), is my own version of what it means to be a "good mom." Much of which I have subconsciously associated (depending on the stage of my life) with my status as a stay-at-home mom, homeschooling mom, crafty mom, mom whose children love vegetables, mom with ability to accessorize - you fill in your own blank.
I've been most of those at one time or another in my years of being a parent (I bet you can guess which ones I haven't been!), and none of them, in and of themselves, (a) magically improved my relationship with my kids, or (b) made my child's heart turn toward God.
Nope. I guess I am coming down to this (again): I have to believe God can do something incredible in my family, even when the circumstances are not what I deem perfect.
In fact, I would almost go so far as to say He loves to make sure circumstances are NOT perfect, so we will fall on our faces before Him BEGGING Him to salvage what we cannot possibly fix.
I thought this fall would look very different from how it is turning out. Our youngest child is starting kindergarten, and I was dreaming of having a bit more time to blog, garden, get organized, and pursue some other interests. I realize now those are luxuries that may have to wait - maybe until I am a grandmother!
So the question is, can I purpose in my heart to find joy here - now? Can I accept this, as the Psalmist says, as the "portion" He has assigned for me? Can I keep my attitude Christlike (I sometimes like to overlook the fact that He "made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.")? Can I point my children to Christ, even when I am overwhelmed?
Yes, Lord. I am willing to trust that Your ways are not my ways - that You have a plan for what looks like a detour. That You are there, even when I can't organize, maneuver, or manipulate my way to perfection.
That You are good.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.Old thoughts related to this (I told you this was a recurring theme!):
Perfect or best?
The end of the parenting honeymoon
Shelter is not a place