Comments on Raising Five: Here's your chance to ask parenting questions!

Hi Anonymous with the 7-y/o daughter. (And this be...

2008-02-05T07:49:00.000-06:00

Hi Anonymous with the 7-y/o daughter. (And this being Tuesday, February 5, will be my last answer to questions.) It’s a shame your daughter is blaming others for “anything that goes wrong in her life.” She needs to accept ownership of her own behavior and stop blaming others. One sign of maturity is when people stop saying, “It got lost” and say, “I lost it.” However, we’re talking about a youngster here, and she’s got a ways to go before she reaches maturity. It sounds from your description that you’re doing all things right. My only guess is that she’s a perfectionist (first born perhaps?) and can’t tolerate anything less than perfect (in her mind). She has a meltdown when she cannot control her imperfections/humanness. You’re wise for wanting to get a handle on this now. Have you talked with her pediatrician to insure there’s no physical complications? Have you talked with a family counselor to insure there’s no emotional challenges? Have you asked other, trusted, older parents to advise and pray with you about this? My advice is to talk with a professional who knows you and your darling daughter better than I.

Anonymous with school question ~ My advice is to d...

2008-02-05T07:41:00.000-06:00

Anonymous with school question ~ My advice is to do your parental legwork. Go to the different schools, talk with parents and teachers and decide what is right for your 4-y/o. Don’t do what other parents do, but be your child’s best advocate and do what’s right for him. There are advantages to public/private/homeschooling just as there are disadvantages. Space here restricts me from going into detail. If you’re concerned about today’s kindergarten readiness skills, there’s a chapter in my book about that, which lists signs of readiness.
One of my daughters went to an all-day Montessori Preschool and the other never went to preschool, she just started Kindergarten. It is OK to make a schooling decision for your 4-y/o that will be different for your 2-y/o, as each child is unique and has a individual learning style.

Thank you all, again, for your wonderful, thoughtf...

2008-02-05T07:33:00.000-06:00

Thank you all, again, for your wonderful, thoughtful, provacative quesitons.

To rachelz ~ OK, if you look at your sentence you can see why kids get confused. If you want them to obey, don’t “ask” them to do something – simply make the statement. When kids hear a question, they believe they have a choice.
On your 3.5 y/o, he’s probably practicing selective listening. When he doesn’t obey, you get in his face so he hears/sees you, then make a statement of what you expect. I often see well-meaning, great parents expect kids to “hop to it” the second they're told what to do. Well, give ‘em a minute or two to hear/process what you want and tell their little bodies to do it. I never get upset at a kido who takes a minute to follow-through on what I’ve told him to do. Rachelz, if your little boy obeys you, then that's the bottom line, right? Who cares if it takes him a minute or two to do it.

Hi Brenda,
You've touched on this a little bit ...

2008-02-04T20:45:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda,
You've touched on this a little bit already, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on "first time obedience", as in, child obeying the first time they are asked to do something. My 20 month old son seems to be obeying better than his 3.5 year old brother. What is realistic to expect of these little ones for how fast they respond? And how can I encourage prompt obedience without the threat of a spank or time-out?

Hi Brenda-
My question is about schooling. I ha...

2008-02-04T13:28:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda-
My question is about schooling. I have a 4 year old and we have been considering all of the options for school. I feel so overwhelmed by this decision. Is there any advice you can give me to make sure I make the right decision for our family?? We also have a 2 year old and want a large family.

Brenda,

I have a 7 year old daughter who bl...

2008-02-04T09:38:00.000-06:00

Brenda,

I have a 7 year old daughter who blames other people for anything that goes wrong in her life. For example, "It's my sister's fault that I dropped my plate of food, because she was singing a song that bothered me." Or, "Mom, it's your fault I broke my pencil and tore my homework up because you wouldn't sit by me." She becomes extremely upset over small things that even her four year old sister can brush off. Often she cries and fusses to the point that she gags and throws up. I've tried several ways to handle this, but none of them seems to work very well: 1) Ignore the accusations and deal just with the issue at hand, for example, have her clean up the food on the floor and get another plate, or start her homework again. 2) Explain to her that whatever happened is her responsibility and give suggestions for how to handle it in the future. 3) Send her to time out or dock her allowance for making ridiculous accusations of someone else. Any of these tactics usually results in her escalating to a complete meltdown, with tears and coughing so hard she vomits (she has asthma, which causes the coughing).

This really concerns me because the teenage son of a friend of mine started the same way and now refuses to take resposibility for any of his actions. I'm trying to get a handle on this before it's too late.

Help!

CL

To Anonymous ~ What I think is going on here, is f...

2008-02-03T16:36:00.000-06:00

To Anonymous ~ What I think is going on here, is false (unnecessary)) guilt. Simply put, you cannot do everything you’d like with each child, simply because there isn’t enough time nor energy. But, while you feel bad you cannot spend as much time with each child as you’d like, I encourage you to see all the right things you’re doing and to pat yourself on the back! You are stretched with four young kids. You may not get to spend daily one-on-one time with each, but you are doing much more for them in other ways. As they grow, and the demands on your time and energy decrease, you may find you'll have time to give each a weekly "date" with you.

Hey Anonymous - siblings without rivalry? Good que...

2008-02-03T16:27:00.000-06:00

Hey Anonymous - siblings without rivalry? Good question! And one that’s been the subject of many books. May I suggest Adele Faber’s book, Siblings Without Rivalry. You can find it on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380799006/bookstorenow57-20. Or read this article on sibling rivalry at http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/sibriv.htm

Hi Brenda,

We have 4 children ages 5,4,3 an...

2008-02-02T22:35:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda,

We have 4 children ages 5,4,3 and 1. I'm a SAHM. My question is about spending individual time with them. I feel like they each need me to have that one on one time (and they tell me so, very often), but physically and emotionally, I'm not able to do it the way I want to be able to do it.

My 5 year old is in kindergarten all day and my 4 and 3 year olds have preschool 3 days a week for half a day. It sounds like it would be so "do-able" to spend time with the others when one is in school, yet I never have the energy, time, or the focus when the opportunity occasionally pops up.

The best I have been able to accomplish is a 10 minute morning reading time with them to ease them into their days. I try to catch my oldest by himself on the days he has school and the girls don't, but often, they hear us and come in to hear the story.

I feel like the baby loses out, too, because when it is just me and him, I try to "manage" him so I can get things done instead of just sitting down and enjoying him in his baby-ness. My husband puts them down for bed at night, so they get some special quiet time with Dad each night.

Having "dates" with the kids sounds great, but my husband and I don't even get to have dates with ourselves much anymore!

Basically, do you have any tips for enjoying alone time with each of the kids on a regular schedule when time and energy always seem to be low for us as the parents?

I'm not really as stressed out as this post sounds, but, like most moms, that guilt monster is constantly on my heels.

Hi. I have two girls, ages 7 and 4 1/2. They fig...

2008-02-02T19:47:00.000-06:00

Hi. I have two girls, ages 7 and 4 1/2. They fight constantly!! I really feel like I'm losing my mind. What can I do to bring peace?

Hi Anonymous with the 16-y/o daughter (been there,...

2008-02-01T22:16:00.000-06:00

Hi Anonymous with the 16-y/o daughter (been there, done that). My daughters are now 20 and 26 y/o.
When I’m speaking to audiences about teenagers, I usually explain that teens are just toddlers in bigger bodies. They are self-absorbed, egotistical, and power-hungry. The sassy attitude and talk can be part of that phase. However, you must not tolerate disrespect; not from her or anyone. First, remind your daughter that you talk to her in a kind, respectful manner and you want the same in return (make sure you DO talk in a kind, respectful manner). When she yells, you stay calm. In fact, the quieter you speak, the more it’ll help defuse the situation. I wrote an article for parents of teens, “Face Off: Communication Tips for Parents of Teens” published at CBN.com,
www.cbn.com/family/parenting/NixonTeens.aspx. I think this will help you, too.

You're welcome to other free articles for parents on my website www.BrendaNixon.com.

Has your daughter always been lazy? If so, it coul...

2008-02-01T22:05:00.000-06:00

Has your daughter always been lazy? If so, it could be her inborn temperament. Some children are born with a low drive for physical activity.
The fact that you and your husband are hard workers is a good model to her and should eventually help motivate her. One other way to encourage her is to allow consequences to happen. For example, “When you clean off the table, then you can . . . “ or “After you do your homework, then you can . . . “ If she chooses not to do her work, then she suffers the consequence of not doing what she wants. Or if TV attracts her, then say something like, “After you do your work, then you can watch TV.” Period. Mean it, and stick with it. Be calm, because when kids “get our goat” and see us yell it gives them the power.

Wow, Lisa, as a homeschooling mom AND pastor’s wif...

2008-02-01T21:59:00.000-06:00

Wow, Lisa, as a homeschooling mom AND pastor’s wife, you have a lot on your plate. I was a pastor’s wife, too, early in our marriage.

Your 5-y/o “baby” of the family is probably modeling his behavior after older, more mature siblings and that’s why he can do anything he sets his mind to. Independence is a good thing – after all, Lisa, part of our job is to work ourselves out of a job. The more skills, resilience, and independence you allow your children, the more they can move on and succeed in life.
When your son screams, tell him to go scream in his room because you cannot allow screaming like that in the home. It's OK for him to get angry, but a screaming fit is an inappropriate way to express himself. My younger daughter was passionate about her feelings and often expressed them overtly. I had to calmly tell her to do it alone in the bedroom and then come out when she regained self-controlled.
During the day, when your little guy shows self-control and resists screaming fits, compliment him with, “I like that you didn’t get angry.” This helps him to see he has control over his emotional outbursts, even when things frustrate him. Likewise, encourage your husband to brag on your 5-y/o when he sees self-control in the face of the older children doing something to frustrate him.
Talk to your older children during neutral (non-emotional) periods. Explain to them your expectations to respect their younger brother and let him do things for himself. Remind them you love all of them equally, and you cannot allow anyone to “egg on” the other to the point of rage. I fear your youngest feels ganged up on and that's not a good position for him to be in. He needs to feel he’s an equal part of the family unit. I think, in time, this problem will resolve. But, it’ll take some patience and attention from you and your husband, and cooperation from the older siblings.
The bottom line is, you're teaching your son how to appropriately express frustration.
A copy of my book in your church library will answer some of those quesitons you get from the people in your congreation.

I understand your question about your 8-year-old d...

2008-02-01T21:39:00.000-06:00

I understand your question about your 8-year-old daughter, Jenna. I’m glad nothing traumatic has recently happened, because that would’ve been my first question. It’s good that you distance yourself from her, during emotionally high times, so you can calm down before talking to her. What I think is going on is . . . congratulations, Mom, your daughter is ovulating and turning into a menstruating young lady. Yes, it can happen this early! If you could get her to talk about her feelings, she’d probably confess that she doesn’t understand why little things cause a meltdown (but, us grown women do). My suggestion is to buckle up, Mom, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Be patient, calm, and understanding with her. Try to spend one-on-one time with her so she knows she has an advocate with you. Try broaching the subject of growing up, bodily changes, and leaving “little girlhood.” There are some books on puberty for girls at your local public library that may help ease this rocky ride.

Hi Brenda
I need some insight with my 16 yo dau...

2008-02-01T16:48:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda
I need some insight with my 16 yo daughter,my oldest. We have two other kids, 13 yo girl, 5 yo boy.
The 16 YO is really giving us a hard time with her really bad, sassy attitude and blatant disrespect to me, her mom, as well as, the rest of the family. She is a good kid, good grades until this yr., plays sports, friendly and always respectful to others (neighbors, grandparents, etc.).

We just had a big fight, her yelling and whining then telling us how stupid we are, controlling and ruining her life. I fought very hard w/ myself to keep control and not yell back, but just as many times I lose it too. (it breaks my heart afterward tho.)
Anyway, this typical fight is about not letting her go to youth group lock-in ovenight. She is taking AP classes and has an F and a D in two of them, these classes go thru end of this yr so she has a chance to bring up grades. We will not let her go because of her bad grades and bad attitude. We told her, her job is school. She blames me for "making" her take the AP classes and therefore, I made her fail. She has the ability to make the grades but was not doing her work or studying. She was really lax about school this yr and wanted to have her social life instead. Her grades show it.

Am I being too harsh or not harsh enough. Should we take her car and not let her do anything? Forcing her to study and do her homework ALL the time? Or give her a little social life, car for school, but make her study more?
Thank you for any insight, I am just so frustrated that I feel as if I cannot make a good decision.

Sorry about all the type o's in the last post. I h...

2008-02-01T16:41:00.000-06:00

Sorry about all the type o's in the last post. I had but a moment to myself and I guess my brain and hands were not working together.
oops,
Lisa

Hi Brenda! Thanks for answering our questions!
...

2008-02-01T16:40:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda! Thanks for answering our questions!

I haven't read through all of the comments yet so if this has already been asked, just ignore this.

Our oldest (girl - typical perfectionist and bossy 9 year old) is flat lazy. My husband and I are hard workers and we do things together as a family working together. So she sees it from us in example and we talk to her about being a hard worker and how it pleases God too. But if it requires any effort, she balks (including "fun" activities, not just "work"). I know this is probably very typical for this age, but is there any way we can encourage/instill in her a helpful, work-when-it's-time-to-work attitude versus this very lazy, I'd-rather-watch-everyone-else-do-it one? I feel like we need to address this now and not write it off as a "phase" because I've seen how it can grow and develop into adulthood. And I dont want it rubbing off on her otherwise helpful younger siblings.

Thanks!

Hi Brenda,

As so many have already said "Th...

2008-02-01T13:02:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda,

As so many have already said "Thank you spending some time answering our questions".

I'm a SAHM of four wounderful children. All of which I homeschool as well,not to mention a pastors wife, therefore everyone thinks that I am the "go to gal" for parenting questions. No pressure there, for us or our babies. I guess they are not really babies. They are a 12-yr-old girl, 10-yr-old boy, 7.5-yr-old girl and a 5.5-yr-old boy.
All that to say is I am thrilled to be able to ask you a few questions.

I guess my first and most pressing question is how do I help my 5 year old son make the transition into "big boyhood"? He is your typical baby of the family, he is the intertainer, confident and deeply loved by everyone. He is also over the top in independance, and general ability to do any thing that he sets his mind to. This is a real struggle for his siblings as they still want to be the ones to do all for him. HE DOES NOT LIKE THIS. He now goes into screeming fits over the smallest things because he wants to be treated like a big boy. Which the older children find entertaining as well ans will often egg him on. Not only do I encourage them to see the struggle of his position, but I try to point out to them that this is hard for ALL of us that he is growing up.

With all that I have tried things seem to be getting worse rather than better (this has been going one since before Christmas) How else might you encourage the older children and what more can we do to help this little fella? I can't stand to see him soooo angry.

Again Thank You,
Lisa

HI Brenda (and katherine),

my question is o...

2008-02-01T10:11:00.000-06:00

HI Brenda (and katherine),

my question is on my 8 year old daughter. She is a wonderful little girl who is very compassionate and usually well behaved but lately the littlest things are making her break down and cry or throw a huge temper tantrum like a two year old. Nothing traumtic has happened recently or anything so it is not that but I find myself getting frustrataed and wanting to yell and say "grow up and quit acting like your 6 and 5 year old brothers). lol I usually send her to her room so I can calm down first, but I cannot imagine for the life of me why she would start having meltdowns. I.E. my 5 year old son ripped a picture of hers that she liked and while yes it was annoying...she melted down into a sobbing heap on the floor and carried on forever. any suggestions?
thanks!
Jenna

Hi anonymous poster. Here’s my advice about your 4...

2008-01-31T16:50:00.000-06:00

Hi anonymous poster. Here’s my advice about your 4-year-old boy who “cries at the drop of a dime.” My guess is that he is sensitive. And, it is OK for him to cry, just as it’d be OK for him to ask, “Why?” or to use another behavior to express his feelings. He’s choosing tears as his expression. But, the tears could become a way to manipulate you, so be careful how you respond. This morning, you skillfully handled the crying situation. I like how you offered him two choices and remained calm.

You said you “praise him” when he’s doing something good – terrific! Children need to know what they do "right." Perhaps because of his competition with four other siblings, you can make some alone-time with him. Go to a room together and color, or have Dad stay home with the others and you and your son go to McDonalds for a snack. That way your sensitive son receives undivided time from the most important person in his life now – you. (actually, try that with each child once in a while) I predict that he’ll outgrow the easy flowing tears…unless it’s something legitimate.

As mentioned in another answer, you are welcome to receive my free Daily Discipline Tip e-service. Subscribe to Discipline Tip at my site www.BrendaNixon.com. God bless your parenting efforts.

Thanks for your question about your 1-y/o Julie! D...

2008-01-31T16:12:00.000-06:00

Thanks for your question about your 1-y/o Julie! Discipline is a common concern with parents of all age kids, and it’s my #1 requested presentation. First, in her language development, your daughter does understand more than she says. It’s called receptive (hearing/understanding) language. I’m just sharing that so you know you’re reasonable in your observations and expectations. (smile). It is not too early to discipline your daughter. But, when I say discipline I mean “teach.” You are teaching her to have self-control and to obey authority.

In Toddlerhood, most conflicts are over safety issues. Make sure your home is “child-friendly” by safety proofing. Eliminate areas of danger and conflict. Praise God she is normal, experimental, and driven by curiosity. But, she has no comprehension of harm, and that’s why you must safety proof and supervise.

Also, use positive phrasing like, “Here honey, touch this,” or “Play with this.” That usually distracts wee ones from the dangerous item/area. If she keeps trying, to make sure you’re serious, show her through actions that you are serious: Get up, go over to her and remove the object from her hands (or remove her body from the area). Julie, hopefully I’ll be asked to speak on discipline at a preschool, church, conference, or library near you. Then you can get more ways to discipline and ask me more questions. You’re welcome to sign up for my free Daily Discipline Tip e-service. Simply subscribe to Discipline Tip at my website www.BrendaNixon.com.

Hi dimple queen. Of course we ALL know you LOVE yo...

2008-01-31T15:56:00.000-06:00

Hi dimple queen. Of course we ALL know you LOVE your son, but you are right in your observation of excessive affection. What I hear is a game of manipulation. Do you see how he gets you back in his room, or holds you at preschool? Do you see how he's controling your behavior and emotions? You were being a skillful mom when you stated he gets one hug/kiss at his bed, then you’re leaving. Period. Just do it. Although none of us like to feel we’re being manipulated, that’s what your darling is doing – it’s just with affection. It’d be easy to spot it if he were throwing a tantrum or some other distasteful behavior, but he’s using physical affection....which all moms love. Now you’re wise to him and know what you must do.

Hi Brenda,

I have a question on discipline....

2008-01-31T15:27:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda,

I have a question on discipline. I have a 1 year old daughter who seems to understand when I say "no" or "don't touch" but keeps trying it to make sure I'm serious. What is a good way to start disciplining my daughter? Or is it too early...

Thank you!
Julie

Hey Brenda, like everyone else, I would like to th...

2008-01-31T15:06:00.000-06:00

Hey Brenda, like everyone else, I would like to thank you for your time.

Before I ask this question, I want you ALL to know I LOVE my child! But just like there was the excessive politeness of the 6 year old, I have an excessive affectionate 5 year old!

My question concerns my 5 year old son. I CAN NOT leave a room with out giving him a kiss or a hug or both. At bed time he insists that I didn't hug or kiss him the "right way" and gets very upset if I don't do it again. There have been many nights that I have prayed, tucked in, hugged and kissed (a couple times), then get to the bedroom door and he says "Momma, huggy and kisses." I have gotten to a point that I have told him I will hug and kiss him at his bed, but once I walk away he is not to expect me to come back to his bed. I felt terrible about telling him that, but at the same time I felt like if I didn't then he would keep me in there all night.

Then there is preschool. When I drop him and his little sister off, I take him to his room. Then I tell him that I will be right back to give huggs and kisses. When I come back I am flooded with them. (I love it!) But then when I say I have to go, there is always the "need" for several more.

I know that he LOVES his school, and his teachers. He has many friends there and always talks about them at home in a kind manner. THere is a story on my blog about him and his teacher and how she has started helping me a little with this. (titled "Timothy's Sweet Teacher") She is unbelievable!

All of this started about 6 months ago...I feel terrible when I tell him...."T, I just hugged and kissed you...." How should I handle this?

Hi Brenda! Thank you for taking time for our ques...

2008-01-31T14:17:00.000-06:00

Hi Brenda! Thank you for taking time for our questions. A lot of mine have been answered just by reading the other parent's questions. My question came up again this morning.

I have a 4 year old boy who cries at the drop of a dime. Whenever something seemingly isn't going his way, he turns on the tears. He used to have a problem with hitting but now that we solved that, he has resorted to tears. For example. I reward my children with a sticker if they finish all five of their morning "jobs". This morning he wanted a sticker after completing 2 of the jobs. I explained to him calmly that he had to complete all five to get the sticker, and he immediately started crying. I then calmly told him that he had two choices. 1) Stop crying and complete the rest of the jobs and get a sticker, or
2) Go and sit on his bed until he calmed down.
That worked for a while but then he turned on the tears later when I told him that mommy had to go to the doctor alone this time. It's like that all day. I don't know whether to tell him I won't talk to him when he reacts like that or send him to his room or give him a hug and the attention he obviously wants/needs. I praise him when I catch him doing something good, but he does have 4 other siblings that he's competing with for our attention. We always tell our children that there is enough love to go around for all of them and try to teach them to love each other. Is this just a stage? If so, do you have any advice on how to get him to turn off the tears in a gentle way? (Unless of course they are for a legitamate reason)